Dr. Venkman's 100th Post Spectacular
Posted: Sat May 27, 2006 8:27 pm(The scene is a dimly lit elementary school auditorium. There is a very sparse audience; all enjoying punch and little chocolate donuts. On the stage hangs a crudely printed banner saying "DOCTRO VENKMANN'S 1000ND POST SPECTACULAR".)
(After a few minutes of impatient silence, <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=9DEF050801216CDD">Small Town</A> plays over the speaker system, announcing the arrival of...JOHN <DEL>COUGAR</DEL> MELLENCAMP staggers on stage; he's blurry-eyed; perhaps he hasn't gotten enough sleep, or perhaps he's been hitting the sauce in the green room. The paltry audience applauds.)
MELLENCAMP: Thank you, thank you.
(He bows, and makes quieting gestures to the crowd, oblivious to the fact that the applause ended two minutes ago. Finally, he pulls a notecard out of his jacket.)
Now, when Peter Venkman asked me to come up here and speak on his behalf, I was surprised. He considers me his arch-enemy; as do I. I'm my own worst enemy--well, anyway, I'll never forget the halloween twenty years ago; he took a dump in the jack-o-lantern on our porch and left a knife sticking out of it, wrapped in a note that said "MELLENCAMP". I just laughed it off, but--well--thirty percent of the proceeds from "Big Daddy" went to pay for my daughters psychotherapy.
Though he hates my guts, I feel we share a common bond--like Sexton Blake and Zenith, and McCullouch and Sargent. I mean, just a couple of weeks ago he came to me, crying like a bitch, worried that he offended somebody on the board. I said to him, "dude, don't feel that you have to explain your humor to anyone on the board. Most of them are touchy humorless douches anyways. If I can take your slamming of me in good spirit, the least these ladies can do is get off the rag before posting."
(He clears his throat.)
Now, while he couldn't be with us here today, he is with us in spirit, offering a his <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=0549F11570F45974">favorite Fall B-Side</A>, his current favorite <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=4954BC990C181F9F">Magazine peel session track</A>(with more Dave Formula than is safe for human consumption!) and <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=865BA0347124E5D8">Keith Levene's mix of Pete's favorite PiL song.</A>
(He throws the note over his shoulder.)
And <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=C0DF94A72B7D6682">to cut a long story short</A>, that is all I have to say about Pete Seeger. And, before I leave, I strongly urge everyone to vote Kerry for president this November!
(He leaves triumphant to barely existent applause.)
<font size=1 color=#000099>
[i]"Let's have a war so you can go and die,
Let's have a war, we could all use the money,
Let's have a war, we need the space,
Let's have a war, clean out this place!"[/i]--Fear, "Let's Have A War"
</font>
(After a few minutes of impatient silence, <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=9DEF050801216CDD">Small Town</A> plays over the speaker system, announcing the arrival of...JOHN <DEL>COUGAR</DEL> MELLENCAMP staggers on stage; he's blurry-eyed; perhaps he hasn't gotten enough sleep, or perhaps he's been hitting the sauce in the green room. The paltry audience applauds.)
MELLENCAMP: Thank you, thank you.
(He bows, and makes quieting gestures to the crowd, oblivious to the fact that the applause ended two minutes ago. Finally, he pulls a notecard out of his jacket.)
Now, when Peter Venkman asked me to come up here and speak on his behalf, I was surprised. He considers me his arch-enemy; as do I. I'm my own worst enemy--well, anyway, I'll never forget the halloween twenty years ago; he took a dump in the jack-o-lantern on our porch and left a knife sticking out of it, wrapped in a note that said "MELLENCAMP". I just laughed it off, but--well--thirty percent of the proceeds from "Big Daddy" went to pay for my daughters psychotherapy.
Though he hates my guts, I feel we share a common bond--like Sexton Blake and Zenith, and McCullouch and Sargent. I mean, just a couple of weeks ago he came to me, crying like a bitch, worried that he offended somebody on the board. I said to him, "dude, don't feel that you have to explain your humor to anyone on the board. Most of them are touchy humorless douches anyways. If I can take your slamming of me in good spirit, the least these ladies can do is get off the rag before posting."
(He clears his throat.)
Now, while he couldn't be with us here today, he is with us in spirit, offering a his <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=0549F11570F45974">favorite Fall B-Side</A>, his current favorite <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=4954BC990C181F9F">Magazine peel session track</A>(with more Dave Formula than is safe for human consumption!) and <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=865BA0347124E5D8">Keith Levene's mix of Pete's favorite PiL song.</A>
(He throws the note over his shoulder.)
And <A HREF="http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=C0DF94A72B7D6682">to cut a long story short</A>, that is all I have to say about Pete Seeger. And, before I leave, I strongly urge everyone to vote Kerry for president this November!
(He leaves triumphant to barely existent applause.)
<font size=1 color=#000099>
[i]"Let's have a war so you can go and die,
Let's have a war, we could all use the money,
Let's have a war, we need the space,
Let's have a war, clean out this place!"[/i]--Fear, "Let's Have A War"
</font>