Making new friends

[hexicon]

No, this is not about 1-900 lines.

[quote][i]Originally posted by KYYX4ever[/i]
<br>[quote][i]Originally posted by hexicon[/i]
<
[quote]It's damn hard to make new friends at 40!
[/quote]
geez, I hope not...are you really experiencing this? Oh no![:0]
[/quote]

So I posted in the Resolutions thread that I find it hard to make new friends lately. Anyone else experience this? It sucks [xx(] I think I'm a nice enough person [;)] and I'm not unusually shy, but I'm not an extrovert and it takes me a long time to for me to warm up to people (and vice versa).

Seems like most people our age are pretty wrapped up in their kids, to the point where they prefer to make new friends through their kids. I tried the Joonya League, but so not me (see other thread about beeyatch "frenemies").

I'm noticing it lately because one of my really good friends just moved cross-country and I miss her a lot. Mr. Hex was also good friends with her husband, so the four of us did a lot of stuff together. Of course, as Mr. Hex points out, they just had twins, so we probably wouldn't be seeing as much of them anyway even if they were still in town.

What do other folks do?

[enzfan]

I only have two of what i consider good friends, both are co-workers and one is actually a woman. These are people I can discuss anything with and vice versa. There a lots of people that I am freindly with but it doesn't cross the threshold into good friends status.

Having three kids it does seem that you do gravitate towards other couples with children. Birds of a feather thing I quess.

Of my two best buds, the guy is finalizing his divorce and the woman has been divorced for about 16 years. I told them I don't want to be joining that club anytime soon.

[Frau_Blucher]

I guess firstly, what kind of friends do you want? Do the things that might expose yourself to them. Sounds stupid, I know. But I bet it's not any more complicated than that. But it's a pretty subconscious thing, making friends. Weird to think about.

[stream of consciousness mode on...]

First, I'm thinking these things are cyclical Hexi. I can recall lulls of making new friends, whether my focus was on work, marriage, family, life, self-analysis, or whatever. Then there's spurts where I'm hungering to simply do and be, where my brain isn't quite on so much as my senses are. Not that these are distinct periods that are exclusive from eachother. It's all a mix of more one or the other of course. But it seems like the more energy I'm putting out there, the more I'm attracting new acquaintances, some of whom become 'friends'. It's often during these 'doing' and 'being' times.

Plus there's always the saying that to have a friend, you have to be a friend. I think this means more than just being 'the fun guy' or a 'good person' or a good listener or extroverted or whatever. Too much of any of those things can even be annoying or stifling. I think it's smaller things like always being game for something, not copping out, being flexible, always being punctual, not being a flake...I fucking hate flakes! But not being so open and flexible that you end up doing a bunch of shit that you hate...cut those time and life wasters out. But I suppose you can't be harsh about it. You have to be open-minded...you have to like people in general I think...or at least be willing to look to their positive traits.

Also, thinking about people who are good friends, they all seem really good at the art of simply being able to hang, without anything momentus or 'cool' happening. Just willing to chat or consider something interesting to do. I bet this is way more important than being extroverted. When you're just out there enjoying the little things you enjoy, you're really creating all these mini opportunities where acquaintances or friends might be made. They say that 80% of most things in life is just about showing up...80% of work, 80% of learning, 80% of marriage, 80% of whatever.

Fuck, I've really said nothing but the obvious. These are mysterious things. Stream...Off.

[Bitter Almonds]

<p align="justify">A part of me really wants to be a good friend to others and spend time with them, but another part of me - which usually wins out - just wants to sleep, watch the movies I like, listen to the music I like, and do whatever I feel like doing, even if it's just catching old re-runs of [i]Three's Company[/i]. To be a good friend is to be giving and in my instance, I'd have to give up doing things I consider "fun" for what the others consider fun. At my new job, there are a lot of people to interact with that I think it provides me with just enough human contact to keep me on cruise control during the day[|)] This isn't to say I am a total antisocial basketcase. I have met some very interesting people at school whom I wish I could be friends with and hang out, but, usually, they move far away and the possibility of hanging out in real life is not feasible[V]

Oh, and I also abide by the ladder theory, so that definitely changes things with anyone who is female and attractive (i.e. I do not want to be just friends with such people)[}:)]

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

[Mechi]

Of course, I met most of my friends at university... but sometimes you make friends in the most weird ways possible and very naturally.
I met one of my friends in a queue for coffee and met one of my closest friends while waiting for Requiem (that's the club I go to) waiting to open.
I say going out it's a great way of making new friends... especially in places that are somehow connected to your tastes.

http://spaces.msn.com/members/mechigc
http://thesesensations.blogspot.com
http://devotionanddivision.blogspot.com

[Cadman68]

wait....wait....aren't we all friends here, granted we all live in different cities and states and countries. But we all communicate with one another. If any of you needed someone to talk I know I'd be there for any one of you, all you have to do is just ask. We are (in the most part) people in our 30s and 40s, we have the same taste in music or we would not be here. There is a reason this site is here and if you notice the forums, we do not have to just talk about New Wave, it could be anything under the sun. Some times people look for friends and never find any, but their right under their finger tips...

[WoodlandParkPunk]

The older we get the more difficult it is to make "real" friends. And let's be honest. When we were young we were open to more experiences. Being married also does not help nuture the friendships we may have had when we were younger. How many of you had close friends of the opposite sex when you were single and have those friendships remained or vanished?

I had many great female friends when I was single, those relationships as innocent as they were, could not be maintained once married. I know there are females out there who feel the same way as well.

[oneno]

I don't know how far removed from the norm I am, but I've gone through at least three life cycles with three distinctly different lives. Each time I changed due to progression or maturity or...I tend to leave old aquaintences that were once friends behind like a shedding of old skin. Now it seems my best friend is my wife and all my other friends are more affixed to where I know them and haven't brought them into my personal life. i.e.; friends from kung-fu class are just that and I haven't done anything with them outside of class. I have alot of friends at Church at the School my son attends etc... but I have no need now for the throngs of friends I used to think I needed.

I'm jes sayin'
<img src="http://music.hyperreal.org/artists/brian_eno/thennow.gif"> <p>eno<font face="small Fonts">
</font></p>

[newwavepunkgirl]

[quote][i]Originally posted by WoodlandParkPunk[/i]
<br>The older we get the more difficult it is to make "real" friends. And let's be honest. When we were young we were open to more experiences. Being married also does not help nuture the friendships we may have had when we were younger. How many of you had close friends of the opposite sex when you were single and have those friendships remained or vanished?

I had many great female friends when I was single, those relationships as innocent as they were, could not be maintained once married. I know there are females out there who feel the same way as well.
[/quote]

If I got married my husband would accept I have friends of both sexes and respect that and trust me. None of my boyfriends ever were bothered about it at all! But I am probably younger thna alot of people on here perhaps?

Devolution is real

[WoodlandParkPunk]

Let us know how this works when /if you get married.

[KYYX4ever]

fascinating topic.

Back in college, one of my best friends would say that it was going to get more difficult to make friends and meet women when we all got older. At the time, I thought that was weird, but now I can kind of see what he meant.

I personally haven't found it "harder" to make new friends. But the opportunities to make friends have definitely diminished. There is simply less partying, club-hopping, art exhibits, etc. Those were just some examples of easy ways to meet friends. On the other hand, there are interests we all have that involve people: clubs, sports, fitness centers, boards, meetings, work colleagues, and various parent endeavors. It depends on how "involved" you still are.

I would definitely say that the nature of newer friendships have changed, and that took/takes some getting used to. In other words, friends from school or even college were clowns, soulmates, goofballs, sports buds, BFF, all that stuff. But now friendship has taken on a different dimension. If you try to compare it to the goofy/fun/crazy/etc. times you had with your old friends of yore, friendship today seems...well, it seems different. Like I said, it took me some getting used to. We do different things than we used to.

Really babbling here, but I gotta share a good example/story: one of my best friends from late high school/early college would show up, unannounced, at the door. He'd wheel in his moped, go raid the fridge, blast the music, start to take apart his moped, roll up a spliff, babble about philosophical stuff, help me dye my hair, and rebuild his engine. Could you ever imagine that happening with one of your friends now ? First of all, he'd have to call first ! Everything's changed, except for maybe the spliff part. So I'd say that the nature of friendship has changed nowadays.

[KYYX4ever]

p.s. my husband has no problems with any male friends I have or had. Me neither. We're married. Nothing would ever happen. I have more male friends than girl friends anyway.

[birdmadgirl]

[quote][i]Originally posted by newwavepunkgirl[/i]
<br>[quote][i]Originally posted by WoodlandParkPunk[/i]
<br>The older we get the more difficult it is to make "real" friends. And let's be honest. When we were young we were open to more experiences. Being married also does not help nuture the friendships we may have had when we were younger. How many of you had close friends of the opposite sex when you were single and have those friendships remained or vanished?

I had many great female friends when I was single, those relationships as innocent as they were, could not be maintained once married. I know there are females out there who feel the same way as well.
[/quote]

If I got married my husband would accept I have friends of both sexes and respect that and trust me. None of my boyfriends ever were bothered about it at all! But I am probably younger thna alot of people on here perhaps?

Devolution is real
[/quote]

As long as the trust is there, you'll be fine. One of my best friends is my husband's good friend. We like the same music and books and sometimes do things together. My husband has nothing to worry about and he knows it.

Likewise, he has a female friend that he goes and plays poker with sometimes. I'm not worried.

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[birdmadgirl]

[quote][i]Originally posted by XXX[/i]
<br><p align="justify">A part of me really wants to be a good friend to others and spend time with them, but another part of me - which usually wins out - just wants to sleep, watch the movies I like, listen to the music I like, and do whatever I feel like doing, even if it's just catching old re-runs of [i]Three's Company[/i]. [/quote]

This sounds a lot like me. There's a part of me that wants to make some girlfriends to hang out with, but if I'm honest with myself, I know it's probably not going to go well. For one thing, I'm BUSY with my job and family and freelance work. I'm not terribly reliable because things come up sometimes. And, like you, I want to do what I want to do. That's not to say I can't compromise and do things other people want to do. But, it's not really fair to others to try and do things with me when all I can think about is how much I can't wait to ditch them to go do what I want to do.

Plus--and this isn't a slam directed toward anyone--I get written off as friend material by the very people I want to hang out with. I don't want to be friends with other mothers. I don't want to do playdates. If I felt like I had time to commit to friendships, I wouldn't want anything to do with playdates or discussions of diapers and school holidays. I want to have drinks and shoe shop or whatever! When you get a bunch of moms together, the mommy crap is inevitably going to come up.

In just in the past year, I've "found" old friends from college and high school. We're scattered all over the place, but we IM a lot and we set up those silly MySpace pages so we can leave each other pictures, videos and messages. It's sort of a weird substitute, but it works.

And, when I do get really lonely, I drag the Mr. out with me. He's a good sport.

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[MattW]

Growing up, I made friends. As an adult I've made many acquaintances but very few friends. I dont know if thats the norm, but its been my experience. I think the responsibilities that go along with being an adult get in the way.

M