Funerals

[DreamRedux]

Max –

A lot of credence is given to “show” once someone has died. The emotionally charged nature of death and funerals gives rise to a lot of fear, obligation and guilt (known as FOG) – perpetuated internally and frequently imposed by others (the “you SHOULD” syndrome). Basically, though, no one can do anything for the deceased, and the deceased can no longer affect the living (unless there are massive assets involved, but in this case there clearly are NOT!).

So, whatever you and your children decide to do, make sure it is not done out of FOG. Make it a thoughtful decision based on what will contribute to your collective and individual inner peace – something that will benefit the LIVING. And then stick to it.

Then, even if your children decide not to attend and feel guilty about it later, they can be comforted that they feel that they made the best decision for themselves AT THE TIME.

But, as has been said before, this may all be moot if she is playing the waif for attention. It wouldn’t surprise me if she were.

As far as her organs go – anything but the liver, apparently!

[eight6]

[quote][i]Originally posted by DreamRedux[/i]


As far as her organs go – anything but the liver, apparently!

[/quote]


I beg to differ...I can see a "gently used - lady driven" sign stuck in it. Some bargain hunter will snap it up.

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[Max Murdoc]

[quote][i]Originally posted by eight6[/i]
<br>[quote][i]Originally posted by DreamRedux[/i]


As far as her organs go – anything but the liver, apparently!

[/quote]


I beg to differ...I can see a "gently used - lady driven" sign stuck in it. Some bargain hunter will snap it up.

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[/quote]


"gently used - lady driven"
more like "completely abused - Otis driven"

(Otis Campbell: Hal Smith on the Andy Griffith Show)

[DreamRedux]

Max, the thought occurs to me that I didn't even answer your original question!

As far as your attendance goes, a simple "Given the circumstances, I'm not inclined" might work.

Son might be in a bit more of a pickle. Maybe something like, "He's grieving in his own way." It might help to say that grieving is a PROCESSS, and attending a funeral is an EVENT which your son is choosing not to include in his personal grieving process.

If they start in with the "you/he SHOULD," then that might be the time to thank them for their concern - maybe even add a "I'll think about what you said" (for about a nanosecond) - and politely end the conversation.

The truth is, though, whether they realize it or not, both of your children have likely already been grieving for the mother they deserved and didn't get. So the funeral itself is really an anti-climax. (I wouldn't tell the in-laws THAT, unless they're also totally disgusted by your ex's behavior! [;)])

Hope this helps.

[club80]

Are snuff films the same as organ-harvesting films? Because if they are...the perfect going away present!
(the check should be made out to you. This is important!)



We didn't sell a lot of records, but somehow we left an impression.
-Johnny Ramone-

[SynthesizerMan]

Max, Funerals are for mourners. If you and your children will not be mourning, don't go. If your children are but you aren't, you will continue to be a good father and comfort them. So all is well, right?

There is no correctness!



world of noise

[DreamRedux]

[quote][i]Originally posted by Max Murdoc[/i]
<br>Her parents are almost as bad as she is for instance, my son was conceived out of wedlock (oh the horrors!) so they really don't include him in the holidays but my daughter who was conceived while we were married gets gifts on holidays and birthdays.[/quote]

Oh I just had an e-vile thought: If the parents get pushy about your son, you could always counter with: "Why would [son] want to go? So you can ignore him some more? Thank you - he would NOT like another!" [}:)]

[DreamRedux]

Hey Max, what's the update on this?

[CounterCircular]

[quote][i]Originally posted by marvymarv[/i]
<br>[quote][i]Originally posted by hexicon[/i]
<br>If I were you I'd go . . . to make sure she was really dead.
[/quote]

Best post of the year, LOL [:D]

Wow, what an unfortunate situation. [i]"I don't want to be a complete ass to their face and tell them the truth why I could give a shit."[/i] DO tell them the truth. If they're reasonable people, they'll understand your point of view. Who knows, you may even find at least partial resolution to this money issue with your story among her family. If I was entitled to that money I know I'd do it.
[/quote]

I could not fathom making money that my ex owed me something for her surviving family members to deal with at the time of a funeral. Even afterwards. This would be wrong period. Regardless of feelings toward someone, to think of distasteful ways to add to the ending of someone's life would be cause for some introspection. The way I see it, if my ex owed me any amount of money, that responsibility was with her, NOT her surviving family members. From any angle, I would consider myself a man of no character to even consider making it their issue.

Imagine yourself grieving over a loved one, only to have someone be looking for money from you when this financial responsibility was clearly not yours. That responsibility rested with the one who was buried. End of story.

I've got an ex that pissed the fuck out of me during our divorce, but to this day I'd never wish any harm to her, and certainly would give my condolences to her family in a respectful way. No matter the personal feelings, she is or was the mother of this man's children, so the support, all of it, should be for them and the decision they make with regard to any last respects they would choose to pay.

On a final note, what purpose would it be to taint the memories a family has of their daughter. Chances are, they are aware of lots of things, but to even consider spilling the goods would be wrong. I'd say leave it alone, will it serve any purpose other than for you to feel you got the last word.

Fuck, I hope when I die I don't have people chomping at the bit to make my family deal with their grief by hearing a shitlist of things from others about what I didn't do right in their life.

[Max Murdoc]

Update...apparently she is still "dying". Her words that may not have any truth at all.

She has quit her job and is trying to get on disability but filling out the paperwork is hard to do when you have a bottle in one hand and a glass in the other.

She still calls me and my daughter in the middle of the night drunk off her ass. Her calls to me are always the same....I'm an ass, I'm gay, fuck you for making my life miserable...so on and so on.

When she calls my daughter she lays on the guilt about how bad of a daughter she is for not calling her or visiting. In a way I feel sorry for her (the X) but only slightly. It's sad that she puts her kids threw the guilt trips but they take it in stride. They know what a fuckup she is (my son's words).

Child support has called me recently to inform me that yet another warrant has been issued for her so she will spend more time in jail. Oh well, at this point I pretty much have given up on collecting any money from her and no longer answer her phone calls.

As for the x-inlaws...they have stopped calling because no one returns their calls. They know about her drinking but I don't know if they know about her claims of dying so I'm not going to bring it up. Besides, I got tired of having to sit through the "when are you and the kids going to find the Lord" crap...every phone call had at least 10 minutes of how we are going to hell.

I'm ok with the whole situation, my son is ok and my daughter still has feelings of guilt for not trying to help her "mom". C’est la vie

[MARV]

[quote][i]Originally posted by CounterCircular[/i]
<br>[quote][i]Originally posted by marvymarv[/i]
<br>[quote][i]Originally posted by hexicon[/i]
<br>If I were you I'd go . . . to make sure she was really dead.
[/quote]

Best post of the year, LOL [:D]

Wow, what an unfortunate situation. [i]"I don't want to be a complete ass to their face and tell them the truth why I could give a shit."[/i] DO tell them the truth. If they're reasonable people, they'll understand your point of view. Who knows, you may even find at least partial resolution to this money issue with your story among her family. If I was entitled to that money I know I'd do it.
[/quote]

I could not fathom making money that my ex owed me something for her surviving family members to deal with at the time of a funeral. Even afterwards. This would be wrong period. Regardless of feelings toward someone, to think of distasteful ways to add to the ending of someone's life would be cause for some introspection. The way I see it, if my ex owed me any amount of money, that responsibility was with her, NOT her surviving family members. From any angle, I would consider myself a man of no character to even consider making it their issue.

Imagine yourself grieving over a loved one, only to have someone be looking for money from you when this financial responsibility was clearly not yours. That responsibility rested with the one who was buried. End of story.

I've got an ex that pissed the fuck out of me during our divorce, but to this day I'd never wish any harm to her, and certainly would give my condolences to her family in a respectful way. No matter the personal feelings, she is or was the mother of this man's children, so the support, all of it, should be for them and the decision they make with regard to any last respects they would choose to pay.

On a final note, what purpose would it be to taint the memories a family has of their daughter. Chances are, they are aware of lots of things, but to even consider spilling the goods would be wrong. I'd say leave it alone, will it serve any purpose other than for you to feel you got the last word.

Fuck, I hope when I die I don't have people chomping at the bit to make my family deal with their grief by hearing a shitlist of things from others about what I didn't do right in their life.
[/quote]

Look, Max was asking us how he could "bow out of it" (the ex's funeral). Any excuse other than the truth to the parents would just come off as lame IMHO. I stick by my assertion. And if it leads to any recovery of money, hey, more power to him. Like Enzfan said, if she has life insurance, monies from this disbursement can easily go to the children where it rightfully belongs.

Stop being so emotional and making my comment out to be something other than what it is.

[DreamRedux]

[quote][i]Originally posted by Max Murdoc[/i]
<br>She still calls me and my daughter in the middle of the night drunk off her ass.[/quote]
Ugh. I hope you keep those calls short. Under those circumstances, there is no more peaceful sound than. . . .


*click* [;)]

[CounterCircular]

Marvymarv, who the fuck are you to call my response emotional, it's my opinion period. We obvious have a difference in opinion about what character is. My grandfather always told me my character was only limited by what I made of it. So to me, in this situation, I would choose to not add any more grief to their family when that time came. You have your opinion, fine. You have no basis to call my response emotional other than the fact that you would show none in those circumstances. Fucking with people's lives after they'd lose a loved one, yep, we differ. Me choosing to not think that would be best, makes me emotional. You choosing to do that, what does that make you, practical? Maybe when you next experience a death in the family, you'll have the good fortune of someone letting you know just what they thought of the person, and oh, that they'd owed them money with the hopes you'd feel responsible and pay up. I am guessing you might lay them out right there. Or perhaps you'd just take out your wallet and hand them the cash.

Hey, if any of my children unexpectedly died, and owed someone money, I gotta tell you, I would not feel obligated to pay up for them. A debt or financial obligation is between two parties, or court-ordered maybe, but the court order doesn't usually state that in the event of death, the ideal thing is to go after the family, especially while they are mourning. If to you MM this makes one emotional, I'm glad to consider myself as your expert and always right assessment states. For the record, you sure are always right. Guess that what makes you so marvy.

[MARV]

[quote][i]Originally posted by CounterCircular[/i]
<br>Marvymarv, who the fuck are you to call my response emotional, it's my opinion period. We obvious have a difference in opinion about what character is. My grandfather always told me my character was only limited by what I made of it. So to me, in this situation, I would choose to not add any more grief to their family when that time came. You have your opinion, fine. You have no basis to call my response emotional other than the fact that you would show none in those circumstances. Fucking with people's lives after they'd lose a loved one, yep, we differ. Me choosing to not think that would be best, makes me emotional. You choosing to do that, what does that make you, practical? Maybe when you next experience a death in the family, you'll have the good fortune of someone letting you know just what they thought of the person, and oh, that they'd owed them money with the hopes you'd feel responsible and pay up. I am guessing you might lay them out right there. Or perhaps you'd just take out your wallet and hand them the cash.

Hey, if any of my children unexpectedly died, and owed someone money, I gotta tell you, I would not feel obligated to pay up for them. A debt or financial obligation is between two parties, or court-ordered maybe, but the court order doesn't usually state that in the event of death, the ideal thing is to go after the family, especially while they are mourning. If to you MM this makes one emotional, I'm glad to consider myself as your expert and always right assessment states. For the record, you sure are always right. Guess that what makes you so marvy.
[/quote]

Um, ok. Whatever.

[Bitter Almonds]

<p align="justify">Whaaaa...?! No funeral? What an anti-climactic rip-off![}:)]