by deethelurker » Tue Dec 11, 2007 3:36 pm
I am *so* going to bring down the overall mood of this thread, but what the heck....
I spent many years battling severe depression, and some of that time was spent battling suicidal thoughts. I attempted suicide about four times and one "comedy" time when I tried to cut my wrists with a pair of scissors I owned, not realizing at the time that that pair of scissors was a specially-made kid-safe one and so all I managed to do was just scrape my wrists up a little. But the other four attempts were all poisoning -- I first swallowed half a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, then I swallowed half a bottle of rubbing alcohol, then I downed about 25 acetominophen tablets with a glass of red wine from my parents' liquor cabinet, then my last attempt was 40 acetominophen tablets with two glasses of red wine. My last attempt was also by far my most desperate and serious one, as I was really, really hoping to kill myself, and I sobbed when I woke up the next day because it had failed again (though I was violently ill that day). I've since recovered and haven't had a suicidal thought in roughly 4 years and have been without depressive moods for 2 years, but it took me a lot of time and energy and determination to get myself out of those dark moods, and I know I still need professional help to deal with some residual issues I carry around with me, but at least I am so much better than I used to be and I have so much more confidence in myself today than I have ever had in my entire life.
I admit all this because I am proud of who I've managed to become and the strides I've been able to make in terms of my personal self-esteem and the whole getting rid of the dark demons that previously drove me to think of myself as the lowest of the low and to make me believe that life was not worth living. I like myself now, and I take great pride in proclaiming that.